1 00:00:01,520 --> 00:00:04,530 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 2 00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:43,100 (BEEPING) 3 00:00:44,360 --> 00:00:45,930 - Ah. - What's this? 4 00:00:46,230 --> 00:00:48,700 I salvaged it from the medistation, sir. 5 00:00:48,700 --> 00:00:50,670 It's a personality tuck machine. 6 00:00:50,670 --> 00:00:53,940 Mmm, so it can perform corrective surgery on your character? 7 00:00:53,940 --> 00:01:00,150 Exactly. It scans the patient's brain and forms a personality map. 8 00:01:00,150 --> 00:01:01,380 It's then able to enhance, remove, 9 00:01:01,380 --> 00:01:05,520 even sculpt the very traits that make that person who they are. 10 00:01:05,520 --> 00:01:09,150 Hypothetically... I'm speaking hypothetically here, 11 00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:10,560 do you think I could do with a little work? 12 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:14,690 Take a seat, sir. I'll cancel this week's schedule. 13 00:01:15,500 --> 00:01:16,860 So, what can you do for me exactly? 14 00:01:16,860 --> 00:01:23,540 I'll begin by just working out the areas I think we might be able to improve. 15 00:01:23,540 --> 00:01:26,540 Now here, here, here, 16 00:01:26,540 --> 00:01:29,140 here, here, definitely here. 17 00:01:29,140 --> 00:01:31,780 Yes, all right, Kryten, get on with it, man. 18 00:01:31,780 --> 00:01:35,310 Well, take your pomposity, large and unsightly. 19 00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:38,250 Your self-importance, too, is massively engorged. 20 00:01:38,250 --> 00:01:40,620 What's that huge area in the middle there? 21 00:01:40,620 --> 00:01:43,560 Well, that is your cowardice, sir. 22 00:01:43,720 --> 00:01:46,590 Perhaps you'd like me to perform a cowardectomy? 23 00:01:46,590 --> 00:01:50,430 What? Reduce it to sort of wimp-o-plasty? 24 00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:51,560 Hey, what's happening, buds? 25 00:01:51,570 --> 00:01:55,670 I'm about to perform some personality surgery on Mr Rimmer. 26 00:01:55,670 --> 00:01:59,700 He's getting a new personality? Great idea. 27 00:01:59,710 --> 00:02:04,210 Not new, moulded, tightened, lifted, shaped. 28 00:02:04,210 --> 00:02:05,180 This is gonna transform me. 29 00:02:05,180 --> 00:02:10,820 I'm gonna be the lady-melting enormous bald stud muffin I've always dreamt of. 30 00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:14,320 Now, Kryten, one thing. This isn't gonna hurt, is it? 31 00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:15,390 There'll just be the slightest, 32 00:02:15,390 --> 00:02:18,660 - infinitesimally tiny little scratch. - Scratch? 33 00:02:18,660 --> 00:02:21,130 - Well, when I insert the laser. - Laser? 34 00:02:21,130 --> 00:02:22,190 - Well, it has to burn... - Burn? 35 00:02:22,200 --> 00:02:25,460 Well, perhaps I should give you a hollow sedative, sir. 36 00:02:25,470 --> 00:02:26,530 - With a needle? - Sir, please. 37 00:02:26,530 --> 00:02:30,770 I'll talk you through every aspect of the procedure step by step. 38 00:02:30,770 --> 00:02:34,540 Right now, I'm just in the... Where, where's he gone? 39 00:02:34,540 --> 00:02:35,510 Out the door and left. 40 00:02:35,510 --> 00:02:41,110 Oh, Einstein was wrong. It is possible to break the speed of light. 41 00:02:49,590 --> 00:02:52,220 (ALARM SOUNDING) 42 00:02:58,530 --> 00:02:59,530 What the... 43 00:02:59,530 --> 00:03:04,540 Guys? Keep the noise down, I'm trying to sleep here. 44 00:03:06,670 --> 00:03:10,240 Whoa! What's going on? We're way off course here. 45 00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:12,810 Who's the joker in charge of navigation? 46 00:03:12,810 --> 00:03:14,210 You are, sir. 47 00:03:14,210 --> 00:03:19,150 Seriously? Oh, man. I think I might've dosed off. 48 00:03:19,150 --> 00:03:20,420 Lister, we're 5,000 clicks off course. 49 00:03:20,420 --> 00:03:24,620 All you had to do was engage autopilot. Your watch, your fault. 50 00:03:24,620 --> 00:03:25,590 You can't blame me for this. 51 00:03:25,590 --> 00:03:27,790 What kind of lunch was that to give your pilot? 52 00:03:27,790 --> 00:03:30,530 Roast beef with all the trimmings, followed by seconds, 53 00:03:30,530 --> 00:03:33,330 followed by sticky toffee pudding, followed by seconds, 54 00:03:33,330 --> 00:03:38,470 followed by beer and coffee and cheese and brandy and port and cigars 55 00:03:38,470 --> 00:03:40,610 and that little chocolate mint. 56 00:03:40,610 --> 00:03:44,540 What chance did I stand after a Sunday lunch like that? 57 00:03:44,540 --> 00:03:48,180 - How long have I been out? - It's Monday, sir. 58 00:03:48,180 --> 00:03:48,710 Oh, man. No way. 59 00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:50,920 It's gonna take us forever to get back to Red Dwarf now. 60 00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:55,520 Maybe we could take a short cut across that asteroid belt. 61 00:03:55,520 --> 00:03:56,250 GELF country? 62 00:03:56,260 --> 00:03:57,390 If the stories are to be believed, 63 00:03:57,390 --> 00:04:01,830 the particular tribe of GELF that inhabit belt Juno 98 64 00:04:01,830 --> 00:04:05,560 are the... (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) 65 00:04:05,570 --> 00:04:09,670 Oh, sorry. I just sat down on a screwdriver. 66 00:04:09,670 --> 00:04:12,440 Why does nobody tidy up around here except me? 67 00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:13,270 Kryten, you were saying? 68 00:04:13,270 --> 00:04:17,140 I'm sorry, sir, yes, that particular tribe are the Nacky Ninckers. 69 00:04:17,140 --> 00:04:19,310 Vampire GELFs to you and me. 70 00:04:19,310 --> 00:04:19,880 Vampire GELFs? 71 00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:24,350 The story goes they feast on the blood of virgins. 72 00:04:27,350 --> 00:04:29,120 Feast on the blood of virgins. 73 00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:30,420 Who believes that? Taking her in. 74 00:04:30,420 --> 00:04:34,490 Wait a minute, hang on here, slow the hell down. 75 00:04:34,490 --> 00:04:37,360 - What's the problem? - I'm just curious. 76 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,300 How do they tell the virgins from the non-virgins? 77 00:04:39,300 --> 00:04:42,430 Well, according to the ancient myths, they can smell them. 78 00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:46,440 Smell 'em? What the hell does a virgin smell of? 79 00:04:46,440 --> 00:04:48,570 Desperation, normally. 80 00:04:50,740 --> 00:04:51,910 Actually, sir, the actual science is 81 00:04:51,910 --> 00:04:56,580 that the GELFs can smell the pheromone produced by fear. 82 00:04:56,580 --> 00:04:57,550 Only the virgins are scared, 83 00:04:57,550 --> 00:05:00,280 so they're the only ones producing the fear pheromone. 84 00:05:00,290 --> 00:05:01,820 - Thus no issue for us. - Taking her in. 85 00:05:01,820 --> 00:05:07,230 Hang on, hold up. Can we discuss this for one stupid, lousy second? 86 00:05:07,230 --> 00:05:10,290 - Hang on a minute, are you... - No. 87 00:05:10,300 --> 00:05:11,500 - I suppose you must... - No! 88 00:05:11,500 --> 00:05:14,570 - I never really... - Don't even say it. 89 00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:16,330 Okay. Moving on. 90 00:05:16,340 --> 00:05:18,540 Didn't mean to open up a can of worms here. 91 00:05:18,540 --> 00:05:21,110 I've had my share, let me tell ya. 92 00:05:21,110 --> 00:05:22,110 More than my share. 93 00:05:22,110 --> 00:05:24,740 Plus, I've had full blown love affairs, too. 94 00:05:24,740 --> 00:05:26,680 Well, yes, mirror in the bathroom, 95 00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:29,650 mirror in the hall... I'd forgotten about those. 96 00:05:29,650 --> 00:05:33,320 Don't you guys know that cats always have two homes? 97 00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:35,590 I got a lady cat back on Red Dwarf. 98 00:05:35,590 --> 00:05:37,820 - Hell, I got two. - On Zed deck. 99 00:05:37,820 --> 00:05:39,090 - On Zed deck. - On Zed deck. 100 00:05:39,090 --> 00:05:41,430 Exactly. That's where they are, on Zed deck. 101 00:05:41,430 --> 00:05:45,400 But hiding from you guys, because they're only interested in me. 102 00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:46,760 We will go the long way 'round. 103 00:05:46,770 --> 00:05:53,100 And be quick about it, because I gotta get back to my lady cats on Zed deck. 104 00:05:53,110 --> 00:05:57,340 I'm suddenly starting to miss 'em real bad. 105 00:05:57,340 --> 00:05:59,140 (SOBBING) 106 00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:02,410 (MONITOR BEEPS) 107 00:06:02,420 --> 00:06:04,450 I'm picking up a ship. 108 00:06:05,390 --> 00:06:07,520 The energy signature's barely registering. 109 00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:11,260 The signal's weaker than the San Marino reserve team. 110 00:06:11,260 --> 00:06:12,660 Posting, logging into their mainframe. 111 00:06:12,660 --> 00:06:17,500 Don't bother, in this region of space, it could well be a GELF battle cruiser. 112 00:06:17,500 --> 00:06:18,830 Maintain current course. 113 00:06:18,830 --> 00:06:19,630 That gets my vote. 114 00:06:19,630 --> 00:06:23,470 According to the hack, it's a transport ship, crew two, 115 00:06:23,470 --> 00:06:25,700 one Mercenoid, one prisoner. 116 00:06:25,710 --> 00:06:26,440 A merce-what? 117 00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:30,110 A Mercenoid is a droid, sir, who has agreed to sacrifice his life 118 00:06:30,110 --> 00:06:33,340 in exchange for software updates in silicone heaven. 119 00:06:33,350 --> 00:06:37,350 These Mercenoids are nuttier than a vegetarian breakfast. 120 00:06:37,350 --> 00:06:39,680 That probably explains why the Mercenoid and his prisoner 121 00:06:39,690 --> 00:06:43,860 are on a death dive into the heart of a super-massive black hole. 122 00:06:43,860 --> 00:06:44,560 So what now? 123 00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:48,660 We're gonna board that crate before it passes the event horizon. 124 00:06:48,660 --> 00:06:49,860 Risk our necks for one prisoner? 125 00:06:49,860 --> 00:06:55,130 Rimmer, that prisoner might be human, we can't just abandon them. 126 00:06:55,130 --> 00:06:55,800 Never say can't, Lister. 127 00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:58,270 You put your mind to it, there's no limit to who you can abandon. 128 00:06:58,270 --> 00:07:03,410 All right, Cat, take her in. Rimmer, lend me your Dictaphone. 129 00:07:03,410 --> 00:07:04,610 What, why? 130 00:07:04,610 --> 00:07:07,410 Because I've got an idea. 131 00:07:08,310 --> 00:07:12,620 Right. Come on, let's do this. 132 00:07:12,620 --> 00:07:15,120 Good luck, keep in touch. 133 00:07:25,300 --> 00:07:26,830 RIMMER: More ship Intel coming through via the hack. 134 00:07:26,830 --> 00:07:33,270 They were transporting scientific equipment to a bio-station on Orta 15. 135 00:07:33,270 --> 00:07:34,270 Something doesn't smell right. 136 00:07:34,270 --> 00:07:39,380 The ship's log's been deleted and the black box has also been wiped clean. 137 00:07:39,810 --> 00:07:41,680 I'm not getting any pictures from your head cam. 138 00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:45,080 There must be some kind of signal block in place. 139 00:07:50,260 --> 00:07:51,520 How about now? 140 00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:53,820 Yes, getting pictures now. What did you do? 141 00:07:53,830 --> 00:07:59,630 Oh, I just recalibrated the fluctuation drive band signal. 142 00:07:59,630 --> 00:08:02,800 - Impressive. - Thanks. 143 00:08:04,540 --> 00:08:05,500 You're not gonna like this, 144 00:08:05,510 --> 00:08:07,100 but I'm picking up something in the movement tracker. 145 00:08:07,110 --> 00:08:12,740 Life signs, organic and part organic, in corridor Beta 12. 146 00:08:12,750 --> 00:08:16,110 Where exactly in Beta 12? 147 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:18,220 RIMMER: At the south entrance. 148 00:08:18,220 --> 00:08:19,050 That's where we are. 149 00:08:19,050 --> 00:08:21,750 Then you should be able to see them, they're there right on top of you. 150 00:08:21,750 --> 00:08:24,260 They may be in the ceiling or under the floor. Run! 151 00:08:24,260 --> 00:08:28,590 Go back, get out of there! Move! Now! Forwards! 152 00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:30,730 Not that way, the other way! 153 00:08:30,730 --> 00:08:32,600 No, the other way. 154 00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:34,530 Lister, move! 155 00:08:34,670 --> 00:08:37,400 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 156 00:08:37,770 --> 00:08:39,370 Could these life signs... 157 00:08:39,370 --> 00:08:43,310 Could they, by any chance, be us? 158 00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:47,110 Ah, yes, of course. 159 00:08:47,110 --> 00:08:49,880 Organic and part organic. Yes, it's you. 160 00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:52,750 They should warn you about that in the instruction manual. 161 00:08:52,750 --> 00:08:57,150 Someone could come along and make a right idiot of himself. 162 00:08:57,260 --> 00:08:58,420 Ah, it does mention it. 163 00:08:58,420 --> 00:09:02,160 It's this bit here in big red capitals. 164 00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:03,460 So easy to miss. 165 00:09:03,460 --> 00:09:08,270 I'm picking up EM emissions. This way, sirs. 166 00:09:24,250 --> 00:09:28,320 MERCENOID: I know you are here, humies. 167 00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:32,860 If you want to live, you must leave. 168 00:09:32,860 --> 00:09:34,360 He's right. I think we should go. 169 00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:38,360 - Sir... - You haven't seen him. Okay. 170 00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:41,870 I wanna talk about your prisoner. I wanna do a trade. 171 00:09:41,870 --> 00:09:44,670 - No trade. - Let's talk. 172 00:09:44,670 --> 00:09:46,070 No talk. 173 00:09:46,070 --> 00:09:50,310 Now, take my advice and go. 174 00:09:51,680 --> 00:09:52,280 Leave. 175 00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:54,110 LISTER: Who's your prisoner and what have they done? 176 00:09:54,110 --> 00:09:57,680 That is my business, not yours. 177 00:09:57,680 --> 00:10:00,350 LISTER: You can trust us, you really can. 178 00:10:00,350 --> 00:10:04,320 RIMMER: You will achieve all your dreams. 179 00:10:05,490 --> 00:10:08,130 Size doesn't matter. 180 00:10:10,730 --> 00:10:13,260 You are very handsome. 181 00:10:13,770 --> 00:10:14,330 (GROWLS) 182 00:10:14,330 --> 00:10:16,530 And women think you're extremely attractive. 183 00:10:16,540 --> 00:10:18,600 Actually, that's not really true, 184 00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:23,640 so drop your weapon and turn round slowly. 185 00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:38,390 (LISTER SIGHS) 186 00:10:38,390 --> 00:10:40,520 (MERCENOID GROANS) 187 00:10:42,730 --> 00:10:46,160 Head count down, what's going on? Are you okay? 188 00:10:46,170 --> 00:10:49,200 We're fine, sir. Mercenoid down. 189 00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:54,770 I think I've located the prisoner, up two floors, bay 12. 190 00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:09,450 Buds, am I pleased to see you. 191 00:11:14,490 --> 00:11:17,560 - Wait, are you... - Are you? 192 00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:21,200 - Ow. - Ow. 193 00:11:25,370 --> 00:11:27,810 - You got a name? - Sure I do, stupid. 194 00:11:27,810 --> 00:11:31,840 - Who doesn't have a name? - Ow. 195 00:11:32,550 --> 00:11:35,580 Incidentally that's mine, that's mine, 196 00:11:35,580 --> 00:11:39,320 that's mine, that's mine, all this is mine. 197 00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:43,290 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. What about that bit? 198 00:11:43,290 --> 00:11:45,660 That's mine, too. 199 00:11:45,730 --> 00:11:48,160 Ow! 200 00:11:51,130 --> 00:11:53,800 CAT: This is mine, that's mine, this is mine. 201 00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:57,370 Basically, all of this is mine. Even that bit. 202 00:11:57,370 --> 00:11:58,540 - What about that bit? - Mine. 203 00:11:58,540 --> 00:12:02,570 - And that? - Mine. And that bit, all mine. 204 00:12:02,580 --> 00:12:03,710 Look, we'll catch you guys later. 205 00:12:03,710 --> 00:12:08,110 Hey, why don't we meet up later on the pretext of having dinner, 206 00:12:08,110 --> 00:12:10,610 but instead play the string game? 207 00:12:10,620 --> 00:12:12,450 I love the string game. 208 00:12:12,450 --> 00:12:13,220 - Ow! - Ow! 209 00:12:13,220 --> 00:12:17,250 Ow. Hey? You bring you, I'll bring the string. 210 00:12:17,260 --> 00:12:18,390 - See you at 8:00. - (CAT PURRS) 211 00:12:18,390 --> 00:12:23,490 If you'd like to follow me, ma'am, I'll show you to your quarters. 212 00:12:24,230 --> 00:12:28,130 Ow! 213 00:12:35,270 --> 00:12:38,140 Whoa, Kryten. What's the big emergency? 214 00:12:38,140 --> 00:12:39,680 Extremely disturbing news, sir. 215 00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:41,810 According to the Mercenoid's black box, 216 00:12:41,810 --> 00:12:47,690 that cat we brought on Red Dwarf is not a felis sapien. 217 00:12:47,690 --> 00:12:49,890 It's not a cat. What is it, then? 218 00:12:49,890 --> 00:12:51,590 It's a Polymorph, sir. 219 00:12:51,590 --> 00:12:54,830 A Polymorph that's shape shifted into a felis sapien? 220 00:12:54,830 --> 00:12:56,930 - Precisely. - That's why the Mercenoid 221 00:12:56,930 --> 00:12:58,130 was flying into that black hole. 222 00:12:58,130 --> 00:13:00,360 It was the only way he could ensure the Polymorph's death. 223 00:13:00,370 --> 00:13:04,870 And we killed the Mercenoid, saved the Polymorph and brought it on board ship. 224 00:13:04,870 --> 00:13:10,510 Our nomination for JMC crew of the year is starting to look unlikely. 225 00:13:10,510 --> 00:13:15,750 Those damn space monkeys from the Omega 4 are gonna get it again. 226 00:13:15,750 --> 00:13:18,480 And another thing, according to the black box, 227 00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:21,450 the Polymorph is carrying eggs. 228 00:13:21,450 --> 00:13:22,520 Eggs that hatch? 229 00:13:22,520 --> 00:13:25,160 No, Kinder eggs. 230 00:13:25,220 --> 00:13:27,390 Of course eggs that hatch. 231 00:13:27,390 --> 00:13:28,360 Okay, when will they hatch? 232 00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:32,500 Soon after a mum has found a host body to deposit them in. 233 00:13:32,500 --> 00:13:35,670 I don't know if I wanna know this but, um, explain. 234 00:13:35,670 --> 00:13:39,870 Well, I found a genetic mutant documentary on RedNet. 235 00:13:39,870 --> 00:13:42,440 I was about to watch it. 236 00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:48,210 TV PRESENTER: Evening falls and the impregnated female Polymorph 237 00:13:48,210 --> 00:13:50,880 seduces a passing organism 238 00:13:50,880 --> 00:13:53,350 by appearing to be his mate 239 00:13:53,350 --> 00:13:56,250 and secretly deposits her eggs 240 00:13:56,260 --> 00:13:58,790 in the unlucky host's body. 241 00:13:58,790 --> 00:14:01,130 - Where's the Cat? - What's the time? 242 00:14:01,130 --> 00:14:02,430 Oh, he's on his date with the Polymorph. 243 00:14:07,210 --> 00:14:08,680 CAT: ♪ Seemed so wrong 244 00:14:08,680 --> 00:14:11,150 ♪ But now it seems so right 245 00:14:11,150 --> 00:14:15,220 ♪ What a lady, what a night ♪ 246 00:14:15,220 --> 00:14:19,890 (SCATTING) 247 00:14:22,930 --> 00:14:24,560 Did you sleep with her? What happened? 248 00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:26,230 Hey, I ain't kissing and telling. 249 00:14:26,230 --> 00:14:30,700 I've had enough kissing for one night, let me tell ya. 250 00:14:30,700 --> 00:14:32,670 You don't understand, we need to know. 251 00:14:32,670 --> 00:14:36,670 All I'm saying is that she had some moves you'd never even seen. 252 00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:38,680 - Like what? - Like when you're rolling around 253 00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:42,050 making out, then the next thing you know, 254 00:14:42,050 --> 00:14:46,220 her big pipe thing shoots out of her back, 255 00:14:46,220 --> 00:14:49,050 hovers above you like a crazy snake, 256 00:14:49,060 --> 00:14:53,090 then whooshes straight down your throat. Whoo! 257 00:14:53,090 --> 00:14:56,930 Man, I was like... (GAGS) 258 00:14:56,930 --> 00:14:59,900 Cat, women don't have a big pipe thing. 259 00:14:59,900 --> 00:15:00,700 Not for you maybe. 260 00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:04,200 But if you drive 'em crazy by blowing on their antennas... 261 00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:05,800 What antennas? 262 00:15:05,810 --> 00:15:07,870 Boom, out it comes. 263 00:15:07,870 --> 00:15:08,710 Then what happened? 264 00:15:08,710 --> 00:15:12,840 The usual, she just released her gushy tadpole stuff down her pipe. 265 00:15:12,850 --> 00:15:16,510 Then afterwards, she said she'd never been with anyone 266 00:15:16,520 --> 00:15:18,620 who could hold so many eggs. 267 00:15:18,620 --> 00:15:20,790 I don't know what the hell she meant, 268 00:15:20,790 --> 00:15:23,920 but I think it meant I did good. 269 00:15:25,130 --> 00:15:26,620 See you in the morning, buds. 270 00:15:26,630 --> 00:15:28,860 ♪ Oh, what a night 271 00:15:28,860 --> 00:15:32,130 ♪ Why'd it take so long to see the... ♪ 272 00:15:32,130 --> 00:15:33,700 Just listen to me. 273 00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:37,540 How do I break this to you? You're a moron! 274 00:15:37,540 --> 00:15:40,940 Oh, Rimmer. Go easy on him. Let me handle this. 275 00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:42,870 Cat man, you're a moron! 276 00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:47,080 Sir, that wasn't a woman. It wasn't a felis sapien, sir. 277 00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:49,650 - It was a shape shifter. - A what? 278 00:15:49,650 --> 00:15:51,680 It wasn't a cat, it wasn't a woman, 279 00:15:51,690 --> 00:15:58,220 you just had sex with a genetically engineered insectoid arachnid. 280 00:15:59,730 --> 00:16:01,790 It still counts. 281 00:16:03,560 --> 00:16:05,260 C'mon. 282 00:16:06,270 --> 00:16:08,300 It counts. 283 00:16:08,540 --> 00:16:10,900 Why doesn't it count? 284 00:16:12,140 --> 00:16:14,270 I'm counting it. 285 00:16:23,150 --> 00:16:23,850 Let me tell you, 286 00:16:23,850 --> 00:16:27,090 she looked a hell of a lot better last night. 287 00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:33,890 Its life cycle complete, it's died, 288 00:16:33,890 --> 00:16:36,330 as the female Polymorph often does 289 00:16:36,330 --> 00:16:37,860 after the exhaustive process 290 00:16:37,860 --> 00:16:42,070 of depositing her morphlings into a host body. 291 00:16:42,070 --> 00:16:43,070 Depositing her what into what? 292 00:16:43,070 --> 00:16:47,340 Sir, we need to get you to the science room and give you a full medical. 293 00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:49,040 Morphling? What's a morphling? 294 00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:50,110 - We'll tell you later. - Eh? 295 00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:53,580 When you're securely strapped to a medi-bed. 296 00:16:54,050 --> 00:16:55,850 Just to explain the ultrasound, sir, 297 00:16:55,850 --> 00:16:58,350 the probe sends a pulse through your skin 298 00:16:58,350 --> 00:17:01,620 and into your body, and the echo bounces back, 299 00:17:01,620 --> 00:17:04,990 which allows us to make sure that everything is... 300 00:17:04,990 --> 00:17:06,990 Oh, my God. 301 00:17:07,530 --> 00:17:09,260 Hey, what the hell's happening? 302 00:17:09,260 --> 00:17:11,700 We're just checking, sir. 303 00:17:12,300 --> 00:17:14,730 How many are there? 304 00:17:14,730 --> 00:17:16,500 One, two, three, four. 305 00:17:16,500 --> 00:17:18,570 What about them two? Five, six. 306 00:17:18,570 --> 00:17:20,570 And those down there are seven, eight. 307 00:17:20,570 --> 00:17:23,140 - We've gotta tell him. - So tell him. 308 00:17:23,140 --> 00:17:26,610 - Er, better coming from Kryten. - Why me? 309 00:17:26,610 --> 00:17:27,910 Because you've got a better bedside manner 310 00:17:27,910 --> 00:17:32,520 when it comes to telling patients they're raddled with Polymorphs. 311 00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:36,190 Hey, hey, what are you saying? Are you talking about me? 312 00:17:36,190 --> 00:17:38,920 Sir, I have some bad news. 313 00:17:38,930 --> 00:17:42,260 You are pregnant with eight Polymorph eggs. 314 00:17:42,260 --> 00:17:46,630 When they hatch, they will literally burst out of you 315 00:17:46,630 --> 00:17:49,530 using the nearest orifice available. 316 00:17:49,540 --> 00:17:53,670 You mean rather than forming an orderly queue? 317 00:17:54,610 --> 00:17:55,540 What the hell we gonna do? 318 00:17:55,540 --> 00:17:57,940 First, I think it's essential that you eat something, sir. 319 00:17:57,940 --> 00:18:00,510 You've got to have all your strength to fight against them. 320 00:18:00,510 --> 00:18:04,620 They're currently depriving your body of many essential vitamins. 321 00:18:04,620 --> 00:18:06,880 I can't eat at a time like this. 322 00:18:06,890 --> 00:18:08,220 Sir, you must try. 323 00:18:08,220 --> 00:18:10,290 I just want these things out of me. 324 00:18:10,290 --> 00:18:12,960 Have you thought about a caesarean? 325 00:18:13,190 --> 00:18:15,290 - Okay. - Are you sure? 326 00:18:15,300 --> 00:18:18,030 Yeah, but no croutons. 327 00:18:19,070 --> 00:18:21,830 It's not a salad, you gimboid. 328 00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:24,600 It's an operation where they laser open your abdomen. 329 00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:27,240 I think it's your only chance of survival, sir. 330 00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:30,040 Hey, there's no way... (GROANS IN PAIN) 331 00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:34,080 Thank God I didn't have that cowardectomy. 332 00:18:34,250 --> 00:18:36,310 We need to sedate him somehow. 333 00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:38,680 Wise words, sir. 334 00:18:41,550 --> 00:18:43,520 Well, at least that's bought us some time. 335 00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:46,890 We just need to get cleaned up and do this. 336 00:18:46,890 --> 00:18:47,660 Scalpel. 337 00:18:47,660 --> 00:18:49,830 - Scalpel. - Scalpel. 338 00:18:52,900 --> 00:18:57,770 Has someone been playing around with the settings on this thing? 339 00:18:58,640 --> 00:18:59,970 Oh. 340 00:19:00,810 --> 00:19:02,240 Right. I'm going in. 341 00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:04,880 Hang on, look at the scanner. 342 00:19:06,910 --> 00:19:09,050 The morphlings are going crazy. 343 00:19:09,050 --> 00:19:10,010 What are they turning into? 344 00:19:10,020 --> 00:19:12,920 Tumours. They know we're trying to extract them early 345 00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:15,720 and they're fighting fire with fire. 346 00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:18,620 We kill them, they kill him. 347 00:19:18,630 --> 00:19:19,190 What do we do? 348 00:19:19,190 --> 00:19:21,190 We have to let them be born in the normal way. 349 00:19:21,190 --> 00:19:25,630 Do you mean normal as in shooting out of every orifice simultaneously? 350 00:19:25,630 --> 00:19:29,530 It'll be a bit like me after a dodgy egg bhuna. 351 00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:45,020 (CAT SCREAMING) 352 00:19:47,090 --> 00:19:50,520 (SCREAMING) 353 00:19:54,090 --> 00:19:57,260 KRYTEN: They're assuming the shapes of household objects 354 00:19:57,260 --> 00:19:59,660 and trying to blend in. 355 00:19:59,670 --> 00:20:01,900 (CAT SCREAMING) 356 00:20:06,740 --> 00:20:08,940 (CAT CONTINUES SCREAMING) 357 00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:12,780 LISTER: Oh, we've got a wriggler. 358 00:20:17,780 --> 00:20:19,950 (SCREAMS) 359 00:20:24,790 --> 00:20:26,690 (GROANING) 360 00:20:26,690 --> 00:20:28,690 LISTER: Oh, it's gonna be so hard 361 00:20:28,700 --> 00:20:31,960 flushing this lot into deep space. They're so cute. 362 00:20:31,970 --> 00:20:33,660 KRYTEN: Sir, it's their defence mechanism. 363 00:20:33,670 --> 00:20:36,630 They're trying to avoid being flushed into space. 364 00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:39,740 Look, there's a chinchilla with a pink hat 365 00:20:39,740 --> 00:20:41,970 and a hamster on a skateboard. 366 00:20:41,980 --> 00:20:45,180 LISTER: Those Dalmatian puppies, look at them. 367 00:20:45,180 --> 00:20:47,750 And like a hedgehog in a top hat, 368 00:20:47,750 --> 00:20:50,920 sitting inside a mini shopping trolley. 369 00:20:50,980 --> 00:20:51,380 Aw. 370 00:20:51,380 --> 00:20:53,720 Sirs, they are doing this on purpose to make us feel guilty. 371 00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:57,590 You must remember what they're going to turn into when they reach maturity. 372 00:20:57,590 --> 00:21:00,560 I mean, most things look adorable when they're first born, 373 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:04,860 even velociraptors, even The Rolling Stones. 374 00:21:04,860 --> 00:21:10,070 - So cute. - Sir, they're evil genetic mutants. 375 00:21:12,810 --> 00:21:13,670 I should flush 'em. 376 00:21:13,670 --> 00:21:18,640 I got us into this mess, I should be the one to get us out of it. 377 00:21:18,650 --> 00:21:19,310 Are you sure? 378 00:21:19,310 --> 00:21:22,050 I just wanna have a minute to say goodbye. 379 00:21:22,050 --> 00:21:24,220 We'll be just round the corner, sir. 380 00:21:24,220 --> 00:21:27,220 Oh, look at that one. That one is cute. 381 00:21:27,220 --> 00:21:28,750 Sir... 382 00:21:38,700 --> 00:21:40,670 How long's he gonna be? 383 00:21:40,670 --> 00:21:42,800 He's gone! Oh, why didn't I anticipate this? 384 00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:48,010 He's been affected by the oxytocin hormone released by the morphlings. 385 00:21:48,010 --> 00:21:49,010 - The what? - It's a hormone 386 00:21:49,010 --> 00:21:51,840 that the morphlings excrete to ensure their hosts look after them 387 00:21:51,850 --> 00:21:56,650 until they're strong enough to stand on their own six suckers. 388 00:21:56,650 --> 00:21:59,950 - And then devour his emotions. - Precisely. 389 00:21:59,950 --> 00:22:02,120 We've gotta find him. 390 00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:06,990 We have to narrow down the search somehow. 391 00:22:06,990 --> 00:22:07,790 I've got an idea. 392 00:22:07,790 --> 00:22:10,730 Turn off all the heat in the ship apart from in the diesel decks, 393 00:22:10,730 --> 00:22:13,900 - so it'll drive him down there. - And then what? 394 00:22:13,900 --> 00:22:14,870 Track them down undetected. 395 00:22:14,870 --> 00:22:18,900 They are Polymorphs, they feed off emotions, they will sense us. 396 00:22:18,910 --> 00:22:23,980 Not if one of us has got no emotions as they've had them all removed. 397 00:22:23,980 --> 00:22:24,540 Hey? 398 00:22:24,540 --> 00:22:29,180 Listy, if you have a personality tuck to remove your emotions, we're sorted. 399 00:22:29,180 --> 00:22:30,720 That stupid tuck machine? Why me? 400 00:22:30,720 --> 00:22:34,290 Kryten's the only one who knows how to operate it, so it can't be him. 401 00:22:34,290 --> 00:22:36,550 It can't be me obviously, that leaves you. 402 00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:37,920 - Why can't it be you? - Don't interrupt. 403 00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:43,260 Then after the tuck, you'll be able to walk amongst the morphlings undetected. 404 00:22:43,260 --> 00:22:44,230 They feed on human emotions. 405 00:22:44,230 --> 00:22:46,900 And if you've got no emotions, they won't know you're there. 406 00:22:46,900 --> 00:22:49,900 And what will happen to my emotions? 407 00:22:49,900 --> 00:22:51,200 We'll just download your brain. 408 00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:54,940 Kryten, have a five-megabyte memory stick on standby. 409 00:22:54,940 --> 00:22:56,010 Will do, sir. 410 00:22:56,010 --> 00:22:59,080 Oh, I'm not sure about this. 411 00:23:02,580 --> 00:23:04,880 Ah, you're done. Excellent. 412 00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:07,690 I haven't started yet, sir. 413 00:23:08,050 --> 00:23:09,690 Mr Lister? 414 00:23:09,690 --> 00:23:11,560 Sorry, I was miles away. 415 00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:12,720 Are you ready, sir? 416 00:23:12,730 --> 00:23:14,760 Yeah, c'mon, let's do it. 417 00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:17,300 (MACHINE BEEPS AND WHIRS) 418 00:23:36,020 --> 00:23:39,120 - Let's send him in, then get this done. - Ah... 419 00:23:39,120 --> 00:23:41,190 - What? - Well, according to the tracker, 420 00:23:41,190 --> 00:23:43,790 we are now completely surrounded by life forms. 421 00:23:43,790 --> 00:23:49,060 Morphlings appear to have reached full maturation quicker than expected. 422 00:23:49,060 --> 00:23:49,890 But what about the cat? 423 00:23:49,900 --> 00:23:51,830 Does that mean they've already scoffed all his emotions? 424 00:23:51,830 --> 00:23:55,330 Well, according to the tracker, there are nine life forms. 425 00:23:55,340 --> 00:23:57,000 He's still alive, but barely. 426 00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:59,070 Living in an emotionless semi-state, 427 00:23:59,070 --> 00:24:01,140 his mind almost totally blank. 428 00:24:01,140 --> 00:24:03,210 No change there, then. 429 00:24:03,710 --> 00:24:06,140 But with each Polymorph we eliminate, sir, 430 00:24:06,150 --> 00:24:08,810 part of the Cat's personality will return. 431 00:24:08,820 --> 00:24:13,680 Hey, buds, I need a hand here. I'm busted up really bad. 432 00:24:16,090 --> 00:24:20,020 - How did you know that wasn't the Cat? - I didn't. 433 00:24:20,030 --> 00:24:23,790 - So why did you shoot him? - Why not? 434 00:24:24,230 --> 00:24:25,900 Help me. 435 00:24:26,530 --> 00:24:27,770 What's wrong with him? 436 00:24:27,770 --> 00:24:28,830 He's got no emotions, sir. 437 00:24:28,840 --> 00:24:31,300 We've turned him into a dehumanised assassin. 438 00:24:31,300 --> 00:24:36,770 - So what should we do? - May I suggest, sir, run mode. 439 00:24:51,760 --> 00:24:53,560 Oh, oh, there you are, sir. 440 00:24:53,560 --> 00:24:55,590 I fear Mr Lister may be a Polymorph. 441 00:24:55,600 --> 00:25:00,130 That's how he was able to detect the other Polymorphs and kill them. 442 00:25:00,130 --> 00:25:01,130 Why would he be killing them? 443 00:25:01,130 --> 00:25:02,800 Oh, they're known for killing each other, sir. 444 00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:05,540 That way, there's more food for the victor. 445 00:25:05,540 --> 00:25:07,940 We can't trust anyone. 446 00:25:07,940 --> 00:25:10,070 So how can I trust you? 447 00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:12,610 Well, er, how can I trust you? 448 00:25:12,610 --> 00:25:15,950 And how can I trust either of you? 449 00:25:15,950 --> 00:25:17,110 How many are left? 450 00:25:17,120 --> 00:25:17,920 Mmm, make it six. 451 00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:21,690 Six, yeah, that's right. And he could be one of them. 452 00:25:21,690 --> 00:25:24,020 - I'm not a Polymorph. - Neither am I. 453 00:25:24,020 --> 00:25:24,720 Nor me. 454 00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:26,320 What do we do? Why am I asking you? 455 00:25:26,330 --> 00:25:29,290 Because I'm not a Polymorph, but you might be. 456 00:25:29,300 --> 00:25:30,030 So might you. 457 00:25:30,030 --> 00:25:32,060 Right, how about we go down to the science room 458 00:25:32,070 --> 00:25:35,970 and X-ray each other. That way we can be sure. 459 00:25:35,970 --> 00:25:37,900 Good idea. 460 00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:49,710 ALL: After you, after you, after you... 461 00:25:55,120 --> 00:25:57,050 This is a nightmare. 462 00:25:59,890 --> 00:26:02,790 For crying out loud, isn't this hard enough already? 463 00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:06,700 Let's get to the science room and X-ray one another. 464 00:26:06,700 --> 00:26:10,770 Hey, guys! They had me tied up, but I got away. 465 00:26:10,770 --> 00:26:11,570 What's happening? 466 00:26:11,570 --> 00:26:14,840 There are six Polymorphs here and we don't know who's who. 467 00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:19,640 Ah, I'm sure you'll work it out. Catch you later. Ow! 468 00:26:22,280 --> 00:26:24,920 KRYTEN: Let's get to the lift. 469 00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:48,240 How did you know who was who? 470 00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:51,310 A mamma always knows her kids. 471 00:27:00,220 --> 00:27:02,020 It's me. Can I come in? 472 00:27:02,020 --> 00:27:03,490 I'm trying to sleep, bud. 473 00:27:03,490 --> 00:27:07,630 Cat, I just wanted to talk to you about that thing that you're not. 474 00:27:07,630 --> 00:27:13,500 I mean, I know you're not, you know you're not, we both know you're not. 475 00:27:13,500 --> 00:27:15,530 - Because I'm not. - Exactly. 476 00:27:15,540 --> 00:27:17,300 But if you were, which you're not, 477 00:27:17,300 --> 00:27:19,540 it wouldn't mean that you were a loser, 478 00:27:19,540 --> 00:27:20,840 it wouldn't mean that you weren't cool. 479 00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:23,040 It would just mean that you hadn't met the right girl yet. 480 00:27:23,040 --> 00:27:24,740 - But I'm not. - Exactly. 481 00:27:24,740 --> 00:27:27,080 - So no need to have this talk. - Exactly. 482 00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:30,180 - So go away. - I'm gone. 483 00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:39,020 Man, is he annoying. 484 00:27:39,030 --> 00:27:40,860 So damn patronising. 485 00:27:40,860 --> 00:27:43,330 Don't he know a cat always has two homes? 486 00:27:43,330 --> 00:27:47,060 I tried to tell him, but he won't listen. 487 00:27:47,070 --> 00:27:47,930 Hey, it's late. 488 00:27:47,930 --> 00:27:53,300 We keep talking and there ain't gonna be much time for loving. 489 00:27:53,310 --> 00:27:55,270 This is a dream, isn't it? 490 00:27:55,710 --> 00:28:00,580 But look on the bright side, you haven't woke up yet. 491 00:28:00,850 --> 00:28:03,850 Let's go, pipe me! 492 00:28:03,980 --> 00:28:08,490 ♪ It's cold outside there's no kind of atmosphere 493 00:28:08,490 --> 00:28:11,120 ♪ I'm all alone, more or less 494 00:28:11,120 --> 00:28:15,560 ♪ Let me fly far away from here 495 00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:17,930 ♪ Fun, fun, fun 496 00:28:17,930 --> 00:28:21,200 ♪ In the sun, sun, sun 497 00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:25,070 ♪ I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose 498 00:28:25,070 --> 00:28:27,940 ♪ Drinking fresh mango juice 499 00:28:27,940 --> 00:28:32,040 ♪ Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes 500 00:28:32,040 --> 00:28:34,850 ♪ Fun, fun, fun 501 00:28:34,850 --> 00:28:39,580 ♪ In the sun, sun, sun 502 00:28:39,590 --> 00:28:41,250 ♪ Fun, fun, fun 503 00:28:41,250 --> 00:28:46,090 ♪ In the sun, sun, sun ♪